Trauma and wounds.

They come in so many forms.

Sure, you can heal from them, but will you ever be the same again? My guess is, no you won’t.

The problem with trauma is that those wounds, even when healed can reopen at any time, taking you completely off guard.

I found this video on TikTok. Yeah, I know, but I have found a lot of videos that have been inspirational to me. LOL.

Anyway, I found a video of a gentleman by the name of Gabor Maté and he talks about trauma. This hit home for me because it put words to what I’ve felt in the past.

He explains –

‘Trauma is not what happened to you, trauma is what happened inside you as a result of what happened to you. So, trauma is the psychic wound that you sustained. That’s the first point. (Can I just say…WOAH)

The second point is –

If you understand the nature of a wound, really there are two ways to look at a wound, if it stays open, it’s very sore. You touch it, if I pat myself on the shoulder right now, I feel no pain. But if there was a wound there and my shoulder was bare and my nerve endings were close to the surface, in other words, if I was thin-skinned and if I was to tap myself with the same force, there’d be severe pain.

So, one aspect of trauma is like an open sore that if you touch it, you just react like you just wounded all over again. That’s one aspect of a wound.

The other way to look at a wound is that it forms as a scar. Scar tissue protects the wound but at the same time, it’s thick and inflexible, it’s hard, it’s not capable of growth and it lacks nerve endings, so you don’t feel.

Trauma both sensitizes us to certain stimuli and the other hand numbs us to our own feelings and separates us from our bodies because it’s too painful to be in our bodies.’

I’ve talked about being sensitive and how I’m an empath in my previous post. I’ve had some lessons recently that have taught me to let go a little more. Not to hold on to what others think of me too much. I discovered that that is where some of my pain comes from.

When you live your life to please others, you lose part of yourself. I experienced this, unfortunately.

I believed, that if I acted a certain way, then that would change the way someone viewed me, that they would see they were wrong about me. But doing this, acting, and being a different version of yourself takes its toll on you.

So, I had to learn to let go. Breaking that habit, and learning that lesson, takes time.

In the process, I ‘fell’ many times. Which is normal when you are learning something new. I’m sure I’ll fall again in the future, although not as frequently. But each time I get up, I’m stronger. I’ve learned something new.

There are many sayings out there that can be applied to the lessons we learn in our lives. Some of these saying, funnily enough, are found in kids’ cartoon movies. But when you watched them as a kid, the message went straight over our heads. As I watch them now, I’m struck by their deep meaning.

It has me wondering if my parents were as affected by their messages as I am as a mother and an adult years later watching them.

Kung Fu Panda has two that had an impact on me just recently. The first one –

‘You have to let go of that stuff from the past because it just doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is what you choose to be now.’

And…

‘You are too concerned with what was and what will be. There is a saying: yesterday is history, and tomorrow is a mystery. But today is a gift. That is why it is called the present.’  

When you have an open wound, when you have trauma, letting go of the past can be extremely hard.

Why? Because sometimes you feel like if you let it go, you won’t get that apology or acknowledgment of the wrongdoings against you.

If you forgive someone without that apology, then they get away with it. So, you hold on, waiting for something that’ll never come.

But I’m reminded of another video I found, and how powerful this is will blow your mind.

Najwa Zebian says –

‘Do you really need the person who hurt you, to tell you “I hurt you and I’m sorry and I feel awful that I did it.” It’s beautiful to get it but do you need it? Do you not know how painful the pain was when you experienced it? Do you need them to tell you how painful it was? And give you permission to feel it, you don’t need it, you want it. Because you believe your relief is going to come when they acknowledge what they put you through. (insert jaw drop here lol)

And this is what I always say even if they do, do you think it’s going to take the pain away? But it doesn’t because you still have to heal from that pain. You have to heal you. You can’t expect the person who broke you into pieces, to bring those pieces and say “I’m going to put you back together” You can’t do that. You can, but why would you choose to do that? If someone has the power to destroy you and uses that power, why would you trust them with rebuilding you.’

Over the years, I realized I held on to my pain. Although, I didn’t realize it at the time. But I felt like if I let it go, or if I forgave, without acknowledgment of what happened to me, there wouldn’t be any justice in that. For a long time, I thought that I needed an apology to heal. I thought I needed that person or people to put me back together. I never knew just how wrong I was.

I remember speaking to someone, and they said to me, “If you were told you could serve punishment to someone who had wronged you, could you do it? If they were in front of you, waiting for you to swing the sword in your hand, could you do it?”

And the truth was, I couldn’t. Not many people could. We like to think we could, but most of the time if we were put in that situation, we wouldn’t.

But that didn’t mean it would be left unchecked.

A lot of people believe in karma. What goes around, comes around, and all that. That isn’t my belief though, because to think that way, for me, it means you’re still holding on to pain, heartache, and trauma.

Holding on to that isn’t healthy. I am a huge advocate for self-growth, self-healing, and moving forward in your life. You don’t want to get stuck in a season in your life. It’s only meant to be a season for a reason.

So, you learn to forgive. Not for anybody else but yourself and with forgiveness comes lessons. You’ll learn how you want to be treated. What is acceptable, and what isn’t. But the biggest lesson is learning you can forgive, and that shows a huge amount of strength.

You don’t need permission to feel pain, to feel hurt. You don’t need an apology to move forward from trauma and/or wounds either. You are strong enough to heal on your own.

I can’t tell you how much freedom there is in that.

There is another saying, you can forgive but never forget. I can attest to that also. But for me, I don’t hold on to that memory. I don’t want to. It’s way too painful. But it’s not like I can forget it either. The wounds haven’t fully healed.

I’ve realized I have wounds that haven’t healed from years ago. And that is what I am hoping to change. I don’t want them to define me.

I want to see in myself, the strength people say they see in me. That is what I strive for. I want to be a better version of myself not just for myself but for those I love around me.

I’m on my way towards that. I’m trying to let go of the past. I’m learning to let go of the pain so that my wounds will heal.

There has been some debate as to whether forgiving someone without acknowledgment, can be harmful to you in the long run. My thoughts around this are, only you know you best. You’ll know what you are capable of. Just because someone says something different doesn’t mean your choice to forgive or not to forgive is wrong. I made a decision that was best for me, and what I would and could live with. Only you can do that. 

If you are going through a tough time, try to remember it’s only a season. It won’t last forever. Although I know you might feel like it will. Spoil yourself sometimes, because we need that occasionally.

Make sure you have a support system around you. If you need to reach out, feel free to contact me, I’m always here to help out where I can.

But most importantly, remember….

Be kind to yourself.