What is self-love?
This is a question I’ve asked myself recently. On the surface, self-love is to be kind to yourself. Something I end my blog posts with, but what does it mean though?
How deep do you go into self-love?
The definition on Google states that self-love is accepting yourself wholeheartedly, treating yourself with kindness and respect, and prioritizing your well-being and happiness. Self-love can be seen as a basic human necessity or as a moral flaw, depending on the perspective.
So how do we treat ourselves with love? This can be incredibly hard to do, right? I am struggling with this lately, more than I ever have. I lose sight of it when things become difficult.
Looking into it a little more I’ve discovered some examples of how to treat yourself with love. It can be different for each person of course but the top example is:
- Talking to and about yourself with love.
Other examples include: –
- Prioritizing yourself.
- Giving yourself a break from self-judgment.
- Trusting yourself,
- And being true to yourself.
I’m sure there are more examples of self-love if you look. But I want to unpack a few of them for now.
Firstly, when you have an internal dialog that is negative and self-destructive, it can be incredibly hard to talk to and about yourself with love. Same with giving yourself a break from self-judgment.
So how do you stop that?
By understanding why that internal dialog is negative and where it comes from.
When you have negative external influencers in your life, it sets you up for self-destruction. Some of these outside influencers you can manage, or remove even. When I say remove, I mean you can change the circumstances. Maybe it’s changing your job, or moving departments, if it’s in a social setting maybe changing your hang-out spot.
Unfortunately, though, sometimes this influencer might be a member of your family. The solution here isn’t always simple.
As an Empath, I’ve had my fair share of negative influencers. And some have had more of an impact on me than others.
This means that I’m not always strong enough to put a stop to that internal dialog. It tells me I’m not good enough, it makes me question the things I do. The choices I make. I question my ability as a mother, I question my worth in my relationship, I question my worth as an employee, and my abilities within my job.
So, I ask, how do you stop that?
It takes strength. Mental strength.
It means implementing positive influencers into your life, and that isn’t always as simple as it sounds. Some things can’t be changed overnight.
Some take time and others mean you need to rely on other people. This can be hard to accept and sometimes can be incredibly difficult.
So, when you can’t change something straight away, what is the next step?
You prioritize yourself.
This also can be hard, especially if this isn’t something you practice, and if you’re a parent, you may not have put yourself first for a very long time.
Taking slow and easy steps is the key, at least this has been the case for me. I once believed that putting myself first meant spending huge amounts of money on myself. A facial or massage of some sort. And I’m sure you can understand, this is not easily affordable these days.
So, I took some time and asked myself “What are some things, available to me, in my home, that I enjoyed doing?”
I came up with a handful of things that I no longer do, but missed doing. These things were things I was able to do on my own, in my own time. I didn’t need to rely on anyone else but myself.
My partner said to me, “If you want to do something in life then do it, don’t let anyone tell you not to do it or make you feel like you can’t do it. Life is too short to waste time.”
At first, I thought he meant travel or something grand in some way. But as I sat there wondering what I enjoyed doing, I realized his saying can be meant for anything in life I want to do. If I enjoy it, then why stop doing it?
Now, this can be dangerous if it relates to something that isn’t done in moderation or might be harmful to you long-term. So, you need to be careful and smart about your choices. If you are struggling with it, speaking to a professional will help you determine if it’s the right choice for you.
For me, it was small things, it was things like reading, writing, diamond art, puzzles, and gardening. I forgot what it felt like to do something for myself.
And when my mind was focused on something else, other than the things that were contributing to my mental health, I noticed a change.
It was subtle, but I smiled more, and I was able to laugh more without feeling guilty or without it feeling unnatural to me.
Some days I struggle. It doesn’t come naturally to me. To put myself first I mean. So, I have to work on it. It’ll be hard but it is worth it.
One of the other steps is to give yourself a break from self-judgment.
I’ve spoken about narratives before, either a negative narrative in your head or whether it’s a type of narrative that has been put out there about yourself. And one you have no control over.
This can cause self-judgment and can be very destructive to your mental health.
So, how do you stop this? Again, it isn’t easy.
You have to build yourself up slowly, start with one step, and then you can tackle another.
I identified where the source of my self-judgment came from and looked at finding ways to overcome it.
I stumbled upon something on FB that resonated with me, and I’d like to share it with you.
Are you familiar with the ‘let them’ theory?
I’ll tell you, the more I grow the more I am okay with accepting the “Let Them” in my own life and relationships. Even family can mistreat and disrespect you.
This is something that took me a very long time to learn. I used to tolerate a lot because I didn’t want to lose people. And I learned the hard way that if they were really my people, they would never treat me like that. Don’t make the mistake of being so understanding and forgiving that you overlook the fact that you’re being repeatedly disrespected.
Let them be upset.
Let them judge you.
Let them misunderstand you.
Let them gossip about you.
Let them ignore you.
Let them be ‘right’.
Let them doubt you.
Let them not like you.
Let them not speak to you.
Let them run your name to the ground.
Let them make you out to be the villain.
Whatever it is that people want to say about you, let them.
Kindly step aside and LET THEM.
The hard truth is, they know how much they are hurting you. They just simply don’t care. They did it knowing it could cause them to lose you. And they did it anyway. People that love you, care about how they make you feel.
The end.
Let them go.
There will be people who would rather lose you than be honest about what they have done to you. Let them go.
The lack of respect was the closure. The lack of apology was the closure. The lack of care was the closure. The lack of accountability was the closure. The lack of honesty was the closure. Let them go.
Make the decision to no longer sit at tables where you might be the topic of conversation when you get up. Let them go.
You can still be kind. You can even still love them deeply. But do it from a distance they created in their words and actions. Access to you is a privilege they have proven they can’t be trusted with. Let them go.
You don’t need to tell your side of the story. God already knows. Let God fight the battle for you. Let them go.
It’s taken me a long time to get here. Sleepless nights, countless tears, managing a range of emotions filled with anger, disappointment, confusion, and deep hurt. Lots of self-reflection, self-preservation, deep prayer, and seeking wisdom from those much wiser than me.
If you are struggling with this, please know you are not alone. We will never understand why hurt people hurt people. But we can do the hard work to grow ourselves. Because healed people do in fact heal people.
Don’t you dare let them steal your joy.
Don’t you dare let them steal your light.
Don’t you dare let them steal your peace.
You are in control of that.
Hold tight to what you can control and release your grip on what you can’t control.
And let them go.
~ Marie Feazell ~
I found there to be so much power in these words. Some of it had already floated in my mind, once or twice. And some were said to me by loved ones.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Words hold power. When words like these hit you hard or resonate with you in some way, I believe it’s something you need to hear, something you need to pay attention to, or wise up to, or take notice of.
Because it can be a step in the right direction to becoming that healed person that may help heal someone else.
I don’t want to be a hurt person, hurting people. So, I lean towards self-growth.
But the tricky thing with self-growth is, to become a better version of yourself you need to learn about the things that need changing. That can be a difficult road to travel down.
My road has been anything but smooth. I’m not all the way through it either. But I face it feeling a little stronger. A little more equipped to handle it. Well, today I do at least.
I hope you’ve found my post today helpful. I plan to write more on the topic in the future, as I’ll grow with my own journey of self-love.
If you need to reach out, feel free to contact me, I’m always here to help out where I can.
Until next time remember,
Be kind to yourself. X