Grief

It can do funny things to you. It can be hard to manage if you don’t understand what you’re going through.

You have your standard stages of grief –

• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression
• Acceptance

But what nobody talks about is that grief doesn’t just occur with the death of someone. You can grieve a living person or persons.

I’ve dealt with these two types of grief.

When a marriage breaks down, you lose a person you’ve shared a life with. You lose a best friend, a confidant. Gone was my best friend of 15 years. He didn’t pass away though, so it made the grief different. But it affected me as badly as the grief you feel when a loved one passes away.

So, let me break it down, first comes denial. You just can’t believe this is happening. Surely this isn’t real, or right? You ask yourself questions that you’ll never know the real answer to. You try finding answers that fit the question of why. You wonder if it’s real. Maybe you were told wrong, or the information is wrong. When grieving a person, you wonder why they’ve suddenly gone, if you can fix it, or get a better understanding of why they’re suddenly no longer in your life. If they’ve changed, you question everything about that change.

Next comes anger. You’re angry that you didn’t get a chance to say goodbye. You’re angry when you realize that you won’t get the chance to speak to them again. You might be angry that no matter what you do, nothing can fix a bad and unchanging situation.

This just couldn’t be happening. I could fix it. Surely, I could fix this right? When the answer screams at you that you can’t, it makes you feel anger you can’t process properly.

Anger can be hard to keep in check. It makes you want to lash out and hit back when you feel like you are under attack. You might snap at the people in your life that are only trying to help. It’ll make you push people away because you believe they don’t understand, or can’t help. It’s important to understand this is a stage of grief. It’s important to recognize that this is what you are feeling, that’ll make it easier to move past it

Another stage of grief that isn’t listed above, comes in the form of guilt, which isn’t always common. For me, I felt guilty grieving the loss of my marriage, the loss of my best friend, my partner, and the life I thought we’d have. You may feel guilt after the loss of a loved when because you didn’t call them when you thought to, you didn’t take that trip to see them because you were busy, or life got in the way. There isn’t an easy fix here though. Time will heal that wound. You’ll see in time that things happen for a reason.

My guilt went away with the help of my psychologist and with the help of my current partner.

The next stage listed, and it’s a beauty…..(note my sarcasm)……is Depression. This stage can come at any time. It won’t matter what stage you’re at or who you are, it’ll hit you when you least expect it. it can last the longest too. You might be able to fight out of it on your own. I wasn’t able to. I needed help and there is no shame in that either.

Last but not least, is Acceptance. When you are finally ready to let go, come to accept that you will never see that loved one again, never have another conversation with them, you find acceptance. When it comes to grieving a person, that acceptance feels different. At least it was for me. It didn’t come with relief or accomplishment but almost with a sense of defeat. There were battles I had to stop fighting because I had no control over them.

Those battles were often had with myself, or a huge amount of time and effort went into thinking about how I could change the situation somehow or how to fix it.

Getting through grief means letting go of something or someone. We often try hanging on to them, for as long as we can, and that can be for many reasons. Love, familiarity, companionship, fear, the list can go on.

Unfortunately, grief doesn’t have limits either. It won’t fit into a time frame. You can’t schedule it, it can blindside you at any moment. You can feel like you’re through it, then it’ll hit you again. Give yourself time to go through the motions. However long it will take.

Make sure you have a good support system around you. If you need help building one, please reach out.

Every stage of grief brings with it feelings and emotions that can make sense to you or feel completely foreign to you. You need to let yourself go through these feelings.

An important step in getting through tough times is allowing yourself to express your emotions in a safe environment.

If you can write what you feel down, get yourself a diary, or open a Word document on your computer or laptop and pour out your heart. Once you’ve written it out and you feel better, you don’t have to keep it. Delete it or burn it if you want. I keep mine because I like to see my personal growth over time.

If that isn’t your thing and you want to talk to someone, find yourself a counselor or psychologist. If that isn’t your thing either and it’s a physical release you need, go for a run, walk, or get some boxing gloves and punch the crap out of a boxing bag.

You need to remember throughout all of these stages of grief, to be kind to yourself. Regularly do things for yourself. Go to the movies, read a book, go shopping, spend the day on the couch/lounge, and binge-watch a show on your watch list. But remember to do these things in moderation. You don’t want to create bad habits. Take a walk out in nature, on the beach, or a bush walk.

Avoid making any major life decisions, you won’t be in the right head space to do so. Your emotions will run high, and you could make the wrong choice. Realizing that once you have a clearer mind can be hard to accept. Especially if the decision you made has hurt someone in the process.

Remember, if people know about your grief they will often try and help. Let them. Sometimes they’ll know what you need, sometimes they won’t. Sometimes you may want help but don’t know how to ask for it. There isn’t anything wrong with that either. Take what you can. Sit with a friend or family member, have a coffee, listen to what’s going on in their lives. Sometimes, this is the perfect distraction from what you are going through.

Know and believe you will get through it. You are stronger than you think, know and understand your limits, and expect some setbacks. Remember grief doesn’t have a time frame, limits, or fit into your schedule.

You will be triggered by a date or a memory. These are normal, you’ve learned what your coping mechanisms are, take time for yourself, and connect with family or friends. These will be essential to your healing. If you are going through grief, hang in there, you’ll get through this. You’re stronger than you believe, trust me. If you’re not, I hope these tips and information will help you in the future, or help you support someone who might be going through grief.

If you need to reach out, feel free to contact me, I’m always here to help out where I can.

Until next time, remember….

Be kind to yourself x