Destruction

Destruction.

Have you ever felt like your whole world has deconstructed around you?

And it’s not just your world but even yourself? In its wake, all that is left is destruction.

Unfortunately, I have experienced such a feeling.

A few years ago, my husband and I made a lifestyle change and decided to move States. Ten months after this move, however, our marriage broke down.

Everything I knew in my life suddenly was tipped upside down, thrown in a jar, and tossed around like you were rolling for the best pair of sixes in a game.

However, when playing a game, you’re aiming for that perfect roll, right? When my life was thrown around, what came out was something I wasn’t anywhere near prepared to handle.

I was thirty-six years old and for the next four years, I was spiraling downwards into a black hole that crippled me, and in its wake left a shell of the person I once was.

I lived in fight-or-flight mode for over two years.

If you’ve ever experienced that feeling, it isn’t pleasant especially if you’re not even sure if it’s the right response to a situation.

But when all you feel is the need to react, defend, or fight for your life, it becomes a way of life. And to be in a heightened sense of fight-or-flight, all the time, takes a huge toll on you.

On your own life, your health, and unfortunately everyone around you.

It’s destructive.

How did I pull through? Not alone, not without help. The first thing to remember is you can’t and won’t be able to do it alone. Professional help is and was very important. The support from family and friends was significant in my healing process too.

I’ve had to relearn so much about myself. I had to learn how to love myself again and learn to look after myself. And I’m not talking about the everyday stuff.

I had some health issues arise throughout this period, which made navigating my situation harder, and ended with emergency surgery.

Regardless of my physical health problems, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually my life was in ruins.

Mental illness became a major issue and unfortunately, I experienced the worst I’ve ever had to deal with.

So, I looked into ways to regain a part of my life that went missing a long time ago. Maybe even before my marriage broke up.

When you feel lost, broken, and sometimes alone you look for ways to change it, because it’s not a nice way of living.

If you look, you’ll find lots of ways to look after yourself. But first, you need to identify what it is you need help from, and what are the best ways to heal. At the core of everything I was feeling, I was hurting and it was important for me to start that process.

Different things work for different people. Obviously.

Firstly, you need to make sure you have a strong support system in place.

Secondly, I found a list of things to help me in each area I needed support.

What I found was, at first, a little daunting. I felt overwhelmed with a list of things I needed to do, to look after myself.

I remember speaking to my counselor about it, and she asked me why I thought I needed to do everything on the list, why not choose one or two things from each category and work on one at a time?

I felt slightly embarrassed and ashamed that I hadn’t thought of it myself. But logical thinking hadn’t been my way of thinking for a very long time. Nevertheless, here is what I found:

60 Ways I Look After Myself – adapted from Harrill (2006)

Emotional

–  Take deep breaths and think ‘I am safe, and I am calm’

–   Share feelings with a friend

–   Listen to music

–   Sing or make sounds

–   Hug someone or ask for a hug

–   Pet your dog or cat

–   Phone a friend or relative

–   Pay attention to what you are feeling several times in a day

–  Smile and think positive thoughts of peace, joy, acceptance

–  Affirm yourself daily

–   Watch your children play

–  Acknowledge accomplishments you are proud of

–  Laugh

–  Permit yourself to….

–  Allow yourself to accept help or support.

Spiritual

–  Connect with nature

–  Concentrate on a candle flame

–  Meditate

–  Pray

–  Talk to your guardian angel

–  Listen to a guided meditation app

–  Write about your spiritual purpose

–  Visualise yourself in a peaceful place

–  Do something of service for your community

–  Join a social group

–  Learn about a religion

–  Study with a spiritual teacher

–  Practice unconditional forgiveness with self

–  Practice a daily quiet time. And lastly,

–  Watch clouds or stars

Some of these repeat themselves, they just say it in different ways. Still, what it says is and can be very helpful.

One thing I always find easy is to write, so that’s what I did. I wrote letters, some of them I sent and some I didn’t. I wrote diary entries, I wrote possible blog posts, and I wrote down my goals. It was what came naturally to me.

Deep breathing and affirmations became a constant in my life, I left myself notes or I would see something on social media and save it for a tough day.

My puppy Mac, gave me cuddles when I needed them, and came on walks with me on the beach or throughout the estate I live in.

I played different games, either on my phone, a board game, on my PC, or Switch. Anything that distracted my mind from my battles.

Talking to family and friends was easy enough, but when you are going through a really hard time, and for a long period like I was, talking about it was hard. Partly because I didn’t want to burden those I loved with my thoughts, or give another rundown of what the latest hurdle I was facing was. For a long time, it felt like the hits just kept coming. So, I had to find other ways to get things off my chest.

I listened to eBooks to pass the time and distract my mind.

Becoming very aware of what I felt was important. I learned how to recognize when my anxiety was bad, and I learned ways to manage it.

You need to find the beauty among the broken pieces around you. because without the beauty, there is only darkness.

Listening to music was one way to find that beauty and another huge part of my healing. It doesn’t get enough credit I don’t think. Not for mental health anyway.

Music has always been powerful. Just ask any musician, but when a song can calm a raging mental and emotional war inside you, it takes it to another level.

Finally, over time, I slowly started to change that nasty negative voice that took up so much space in my mind.

However, it took a long time to do so. And it didn’t come without pain, change, and damage to relationships around me. But it also came with a lot of healing, and who came out the other side, was a stronger person than I was before it all started.

I’ve seen some videos on social media that are pretty powerful. If you were shown that the pathway that took you to your main goal was not an easy one, that it was filled with heartache, mental illness, and loss, would you want to continue towards that goal? Either you wouldn’t or you’d have a good long think about it.

But the path to your final destination is what makes you strong enough to manage and live with it. The person you were when you made that goal may not be prepared for the trials that come with that goal or lifestyle.

These lessons have been hard to learn. Am I thankful for them? Kinda. It’s hard to say yes when the memory of what I experienced is still so clear in my mind. There is a healthy amount of fear too, that things could go back that way.

But through it all, I survived 100% of my worst days. I deserve credit for that, and when a difficult situation arises, I remind myself that I am a strong person.

I’m learning to see that strength and carry it with me every day.

If you’re struggling, please reach out and feel free to contact me, I’m always here to help out where I can.

At times I felt completely alone, and that isn’t something I wish on anyone. It can lead to some dark thoughts that no one wants you to think.

Remember you are loved, remember you are strong.

And most importantly, remember….

Be kind to yourself.